you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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