Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
