I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
