Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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