using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
