No stitches, just platelets and will power
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
