did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
