I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
