I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
