He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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