remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
