no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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