GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
