I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Randomize
