the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You can't just leave with hair like that
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I think my moral compass just broke
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
