Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
