he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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