batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
