we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Come on in and take your pants off
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