sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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