Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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