WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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