we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
