I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
