So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
