Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she looked like the before picture.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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