Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
