Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
