So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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