If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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