i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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