Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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