Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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