The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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