FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I want her autograph on my taint
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
