so that wasnt chicken after all
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
