my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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