woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
We're too hungover to prance.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
