the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
of course. lets lasso hookers.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
