u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
