he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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