last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
