I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
