she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
