I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
