If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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