I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
