I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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