They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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