Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
