sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
